why ‘yes means yes’ encourages the creation of courageous women
Spain has just introduced a law under which consent must be explicit, meaning anything other than yes, importantly including silence, is considered rape. While a significant and progressive feat, one which should be celebrated (particularly considering the Pamplona case), it has indirectly set alight a flame of rage within me with regards to people’s attitudes around consent.
I’m really, really tired of hearing the words ‘But he wanted’ and ‘But he said.’ Yes, it is true that the male counterpart’s emotions and desires are equally worthy to be listened to as ours, but that’s just it, women’s voices aren’t loud enough. We live in a society where girls are still the ones trying to impress and fulfil. So much so, that our own enjoyment is an afterthought, or a bonus. It is too much the case where girls feel like they owe sex to their partners/summer flings/the gorgeous boy in their tutorial who consistently sends them their revolutionary notes. Obviously, history is still recovering from patriarchal attitudes being the norm, but this isn’t even close to passing as an excuse. Mainstream thoughts have to be based on the act of sex as a beautifully mutual act, not on the demands or expectations of either half.
Too often girls receive abuse from the boys they want the attention of - they want to be liked, and therefore don’t speak up. This isn’t a sign of weakness on the female’s behalf, but a sad consequence of a sad reality regarding the common attitude surrounding the sexes. I have heard countless stories from friends, friends of friends and family where girls are constantly excusing their partners behaviour - not even just with regards to sex, but with their lives too. For instance, where girls are too scared to dispute their partners decisions to move away, cut off a friend, all sorts of things. While not outwardly agreeing or encouraging their decisions, there is not a ‘no’ in sight. However, what this new law displays and what we should be focusing on is the importance of the word ‘yes.’ Yes, I want to do what you’re doing, what you have chosen. ‘Yes’, I want to do it together.
A big inspiration for me to write this, albeit slightly angrily, is the incredible group of girls I am lucky to belong to. Our group chat is entitled ‘Successful Women Only Club’ and, while certainly lighthearted, it is an ethos we enjoy and take care to remind each other of. No crying over boys for longer than 20 minutes, no Instagram stories with the aim of having a heart-tugger at the top of your views. None of that - instead, we desperately try to be the strong women that we want and deserve to be.
Prior to this law being introduced, attitudes and stances were blurred. Victims of rape and sexual harassment subconsciously think ‘Is anything actually wrong with what has happened if I didn’t actually say no?’ Chances are, if that thought or thoughts alike are passing through your mind, there is. Sadly, I have had the closest of friends look me in the eyes, confessing ‘But I didn’t say no.’ In the moment, you want to shake them and cry for them at the same time. Of course, it’s wrong, consent has to be explicit. ‘But, I didn’t say no’ they say again - it doesn’t matter, did you say yes?