I Need My Autistic Brother More Than He Needs Me

In a city where violent misogyny persists, people on the autism spectrum provide a dose of needed authenticity. When I made the decision to move to Los Angeles a few months ago, my parents were excited because they wanted me to keep an eye on my brother. My brother has lived in the Long Beach area for about three years now. He relocated there from Minnesota to be a part of a college program specifically designed for people on the autism spectrum. 

This program has empowered him immensely. In high-school he was viciously bullied, had few friends, and was ostracised by his teachers. Now, with gained maturity and a community of people who understand and support him; he has a core group of friends, a part time job in supported employment, and is finishing his degree. He frequently goes to film screenings and creates small projects of his own. He seems to have truly found his tribe here. It goes to show how much the right types of people can positively change a person’s life. The State of California also has regional centres and case managers that help people with disabilities. 

I moved to Los Angeles myself because I felt that I was hitting a creative ceiling with what I was doing. I had been living in Paris for three and a half years and it was a deeply enriching experience for me. I had a nice apartment, a cute boyfriend, and I was offered a job by the drama school I had attended as a playwright and actor. I wrote and directed two plays in private theaters. I regularly booked work in commercials and art films. While all of these things were good, I dreamed of putting my work on a larger stage. I speak fluent French, but knew that more jobs would be available to me in my native tongue, and that I would have less paperwork to deal with if I lived in my home country. 

While moving to Los Angeles was a good choice for me and my pursuits, I underestimated how isolating Los Angeles can be as a city on an emotional level. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve recently befriended and worked with feminist and queer filmmakers, successful comedians, and artists of various disciplines. I’m now working as an associate producer and acting in two feature films, and I hope to keep the ball rolling in all of my goals and dreams. When I first moved here, however, I had the unfortunate experience of meeting a very predatory man who works in the film industry. Before even moving to Los Angeles, this person began messaging me on social media. He told me I was one of the most beautiful and brilliant people he had ever spoke to. He told me he wanted to help me with my career and I hoped that this was true, despite the fact that I immediately got a bad gut feeling about him. With time, his messages became increasingly sexual and sinister. While I never reciprocated these types of messages, he seemed oblivious to my discomfort. He went so far as to photoshop a picture of us together, in which I was nude and he was fully clothed. At this moment I decided that I never wanted to meet him in person, but I feared that telling him to stop would result in a violent or hostile reaction. I was correct in feeling this way, as when I avoided meeting him in person and told him I was uncomfortable, he began discouraging my goals and insulting me. He implied that my discomfort in his advances would damage my career, and that I was making a mistake in distancing myself from him. I became fearful because I knew that he was connected to people that I had hoped to work with. Despite my fear, I stopped talking to him entirely. I wanted a clean break from my interactions with him, but that didn’t change the fact that I was alienated from the organizations he is a part of. 

While I have continued to work and move forward, this man’s negative and dehumanizing words towards me took a toll on me emotionally. Many of the people I told about this didn’t believe me, until I showed them the picture and some of the messages he had sent me. I’m currently debating whether I want to take legal action against this person, but feel that it would not be worth it financially or emotionally. I also feel that he would continue his hostility towards me if he found out I told anyone about the way that he treated me. His previous behavior indicates to me that he does not respond well to assertive women or to criticism on his behavior. He would likely tell people that I was unintelligent or untalented if he knew that I had shown anyone the messages he sent to me. I am not sure how to move on from this, or who to reach out to.

At these moments, I feel I need my brother more than anything. He is an unapologetically sincere and honest person. He doesn’t understand social nuance like other people do, but that is one of the things I find so refreshing about him. What you see is what you get with my brother; there are no games or double-entendres. Sometimes we go to film screenings together and I’m embarrassed because he runs up to celebrities and talks to them with no filter. Other moments he says jokes that are so off the wall that I burst out laughing uncontrollably. 

My brother’s condition has made moments in his life extremely difficult for him; he can be naive and rude, both things that have gotten him into trouble. He at times has difficulty concentrating and had trouble holding down a job before supported employment. He often blurts out things that offend or confuse people. However, I sincerely believe that he is a fundamentally loving and kind person. He understands the world and sees details and richness that most people do not see. He has the most incredible memory of past events from our childhood. If I ask him if he remembers the moment our mother was in the hospital, he’ll respond “Yes. It was a Wednesday. It was snowing. And you were wearing a red sweater.” His authenticity and courage are qualities I would like to build up in myself. There are days when I feel I can learn more from him than he can from me. I believe that neurodivergent people should not merely be more accepted, but they can be learned from. 

I am so inspired by how much his friends and community have helped him grow. I hope that I find a community of people in Los Angeles of my own. I dream of finding a community of people who support each other’s ambitions and goals in a positive and true way. I want to meet people that help me achieve my goals without exploiting or hurting me. 

For now, my brother is one of those people. I never have to second guess what his intentions are. We grew up together, and will be there for each other no matter what.