michaela coel’s i may destroy you: traumatic, powerful, brilliant
This article, very much like the TV programme at its focus, comes with an obvious trigger warning for survivors of sexual violence.
The new HBO series, I May Destroy You – available to stream now on BBC iPlayer – is trailblazing for its portrayal of rape, sexual assault, how society responds to it, and how it affects its victims long-term. It is gritty, honest, realistic and, sadly, relatable for too many.
Since I finished watching it, I haven’t been able to stop talking about this show and how brilliant it is. However, thanks to conversations sparked by the show, I have noticed that I am yet to speak to a female friend who hasn’t experienced something very similar to at least one of the events explored in the series.
Whilst this harrowing reality might make it a difficult watch (with many understandably having to take their time with it even after building up the courage to press play), it's a show which offers multiple rewards for those who watch it. In its exploration of the many societal misconceptions surrounding consent and sexual assault, this show has the power to affect both survivors and unknowing perpetrators alike.
The shocking truth which we must deal with is that, just like the characters in the show, not everyone who watches I May Destroy You will have realised that they are a survivor of sexual assault, nor will some who watch it know that they may have been a perpetrator of it. The very power of this show rests on its ability to bring that to our attention, and to challenge the misconceptions about consent that play such an integral role in the continuation of rape culture.
That power to reshape knowledge about consent, sexual assault and how it affects victims, is the beauty of what Michaela Coel has brought to life. As creator, writer, co-director, executive producer and star of I May Destroy You, Coel has managed to conceive something which has provided a cathartic release for both her own experiences and trauma, and those of her audience.
The experience of watching this series takes the viewer down a path of reflection and introspection, which can be both traumatic and healing at the same time. Just as the three main characters, Arabella (played by Coel herself), Terry (Weruche Opia) and Kwame (Paapa Essiedu), find themselves reanalysing and trying to make sense of the situations that they have been in, the audience are doing it along with them. We see their pain and it confirms ours.
That is because in this 12-episode series, Coel manages to successfully and accurately depict aspects of the seemingly less clear-cut – or rather, less widely understood – definition of rape. What constitutes rape is so misunderstood in Western society that both survivors and perpetuators might not realise at the time that what happened was actually rape. Coel conveys perfectly the fact that, whilst it can be as blatant as being spiked in a club, rape doesn’t always look like the assault-by-a-total-stranger-in-a-dark-alleyway scenario that we were so often warned about as teenagers.
The show’s storyline reminds us that rape can be committed by someone you know, as well as by someone with whom you have been having consensual sex. Rape can be the removal of a condom without the other person’s permission. Sexual assault can be someone taking unsolicited photos of you during sex. Sexual assault can be coercing someone into a threesome under false pretences. Although women are disproportionately likely to be victims of rape and sexual assault, I May Destroy You demonstrates with success that rape can happen to anyone, of any gender, sexuality, or race. It can be committed by total strangers, or by acquaintances, or by partners.
Whilst it tackles challenging topics, the opportunities for learning, growing and healing that emerge when watching the show are manifold. Beyond that, though, it’s worth watching purely for entertainment and enjoyment too. It is perfectly cast, well-made and even funny and light-hearted at times; a true display of Coel's genius. If other survivors can get past the triggers, the show has the power to reassure, support and empower us.
If men, who are statistically more likely to be the perpetuators of sexual violence, can be encouraged to watch it, then there is an even bigger opportunity for this show to change the course and prevalence of rape culture in the UK. I think there will be many people who assumed that they knew what consent meant prior to watching this outstanding piece of TV, only to realise that they didn't know well enough at all.
Whilst there is quite clearly still some confusion in British society around consent and the apparent (but not real) "blurred lines" of sexual assault, it is actually quite straightforward when put simply, and this understanding needs to become more widespread in order to help eradicate the prevalence of sexual assault in society.
It must be stated as clearly as possible: for a sexual encounter to be consensual, you must be honest, transparent and ask at each point of the exchange for the other persons consent. At each change in circumstance, each new position, and every different time you have sex, you must ask for consent and check that the other person is comfortable and happy with what is happening. Someone can consent in the past, but that doesn't grant consent every time. Someone can consent and then change their mind during sex, and the consent no longer stands. Never assume; always, always ask for consent.
I can’t help but wish that something like this was on TV when I was younger, so that I might have understood the ins and outs of consent sooner rather than later. But, I can only be thankful that a new generation of people have the chance to become more informed on these topics, as TV shows which depict frank, real, and important messages about consent, sexual assault and rape, become more commonplace in mainstream media.