my coming out story: part two

About 4 years ago, after I had accepted I was not female, I started looking around for names. Let me tell you, this is the hardest thing to do in your life.

At the same time, my friend from college was pregnant, we spent our days trying to figure out a name for her baby - little did she know I was also doing the same for me. Seeing her struggle to find a name for her unborn child was hard. So, trying to think of a name after years of being someone else was hard work.

For those who followed me on Instagram when it was under my dead-name (y’all have been here for TIME) would have seen the names I used. There was a period in my life I didn’t have a name, I refused to be acknowledged by my dead name, but didn’t have a name I felt was mine. At this moment, I changed my Instagram to “under_construction4”.

I first came out in 2016, as gender-fluid/ non-binary. I didn’t feel like I fitted into either the Male or female binary. I was just me. At that time, I was looking into gender-neutral names, as I didn’t want anything binary. I started using Charlie for a while. My friends who I was out to used Charlie, I started a new Instagram called “ft.chaarlie” and using only they/them pronouns. I felt like this was a very important moment in my name-deciding situation.

I found it hard to gel with the name Charlie, there were too many people in my life with the same name, it felt like it didn’t belong to me.

I was very lucky; the second name I tried was Taylor. I decided on trying out Taylor because I didn’t know anyone with that name, and it was gender-neutral. Everything I had been looking for.

By this time, I had started using he/they pronouns and was more expressive as trans masculine. However, I was still wearing makeup. Again, I told my friends that I was using another name, and to please call me Taylor/Tay.

But let’s be honest here. Hearing a different pronoun or name directed at you for the first time is weird and awkward - they don’t warn you about this.

Hearing someone say a different name at first is so strange. But it doesn’t make you any less valid as a human being. It also doesn’t mean it isn’t the correct name for you. I once had someone dm me and ask “I don’t think this name is for me, how do you know?” I asked them how long they had been going by their preferred name, it wasn’t very long. I advised them that this is a perfectly normal thing to feel, give it a week or 2, ask everyone you know to call you by your preferred name. Stop feeling pressured into changing overnight, because it’s not realistic. The first time I was introduced to someone else as Taylor, I cringed so hard, why? Because for 17/18 years I went by another name, would I have it any differently? Absolutely not.

When I came out to my parents, I asked them if they would pick my middle names, as I had Taylor as my first name. My parents couldn’t decide on one, so they picked 2.

I’m thinking about changing my last name again, but that’s the joy of picking your own name, if you aren’t happy with it, you can change it again and again as many times as you want to. Yes, it’ll become expensive but don’t feel like you’re pressured into choosing the first name you decide on! 

I legally changed my name in December 2018.