battling internalised sexism and racism

It was 4am on a Sunday. I was sobbing in bed and having a breakdown. Through my teary eyes I could see the sky slowly brightening up, and I thought to myself: oh my goodness, how did I get here?  

15 Years in the Making 

When I was growing up in Asia, my mom’s friends would always compliment me on my ‘pale skin.’ They asked me what skincare products I used, and I’d look at them, very confused: “I drink milk - does that count?”. Even though I did not understand why people seemed to have an obsession with pale skin, I enjoyed receiving the compliments.  

My eyes, on the other hand, were deemed to be imperfect, simply because they are monolid. For Asian girls, having so-called ‘single eyelids’ was like having a permanent scar that you just couldn’t get rid of. You’re only deemed beautiful if you have big eyes with double eyelids. Unfortunately, I did not fall into this category.  

I was constantly reminded of how my eyes were flawed – by friends, by the media, and even by my family. My parents asked me several times if I wanted to do a cosmetic surgery where the surgeon cuts another line on the eyelids to make artificial double eyelids. I always refused their offer, but what I didn’t realise was how much I had internalised this belief that my eyes were ugly and imperfect. 

For the past 15 years, I have scrutinised every photo of myself and criticised the girl in the frame for her flawed appearance. I felt deeply ashamed of my eyes and, slowly, my self-esteem dropped below rock bottom. Both my inner and external environments were toxic. It was like a bad jar of pickles, with bacteria infesting inside.  

Breaking Point 

After moving to the UK in 2016, I found I was subconsciously comparing myself with other women.  

“Oh my god she’s so gorgeous and I’m... not.”  

“Her eyes are so perfect – why do I have mine?”  

I constantly put myself down. I was on the verge of breaking.  

That was when I found myself bawling my eyes out in the middle of the night. I did not understand why I was so harsh on myself. Where are those inner voices coming from? Are they really me? Why do I want double eyelids so badly? Why is pale skin a good thing?  

It hit me like lightning. Pale skin, double eyelids, big eyes and tall nose – these are all Eurocentric beauty standards. To put it plainly: this is what white people look like.  

“So I’ve been wanting to look white, all this time?” I asked myself. “So the reason I’ve felt so ashamed of my eyes is because of racism?”. I was absolutely heartbroken, because my worst enemy had somehow become part of me. 

I had internalised the very sexist and racist beliefs I had been fighting against all my life. That realisation was one of the most painful experiences I have ever been through. My belief system, like a tower block, collapsed that evening – and I was ready to build something new. 

Back to My True Self 

“Jessica, I’d like you to spend two minutes looking at your eyes in the mirror”, my therapist said. “Notice what they’re like, without any judgement. And tell me what you like about them.”  

I went to the bathroom, at first feeling sceptical of this exercise. I turned on the lights and started to stare at my own eyes. I quickly noticed how my eyes resemble the shape of leaves, and how beautiful they are in their simplicity. I felt a warm stream flowing through my chest – feelings of love and appreciation for myself, finally. 

Building up a new belief system is, of course, no easy task. Some days I feel absolutely free, and some days I still feel exhausted and deflated. Those toxic inner voices would occasionally come out and haunt me, but I would tell myself, ‘’no Jessica, this is not your own voice’’. They would then vanish, but they left a nasty aftertaste. This is a long journey of healing, and I’m patient with myself, taking one day at a time.  

I later put my thoughts and feelings into a new song called ‘Beautiful’. It was a nice gift to myself and to the world, wrapping up my struggles, thoughts and awakenings. I want people to know that if you’re constantly putting yourself down, it’s not because you’re not beautiful, attractive, smart, successful or capable. It’s merely because you’ve internalised what the world wanted you to believe about yourself. You can find your true, confident self again – just start looking into the mirror, without any judgement.  

You can watch the video for Jessica’s song Beautiful here.  

Inspired by her globe-trotting experiences, UK-based Jessica Faroe tells stories through music from a unique perspective. She blends genres in a way that’s sonically intriguing and wants to give voice to those without one: nature, the planet, and the underprivileged.