being non-binary

July 10, 2020 Meg Allin

Last month was Pride month, the celebration of everything Queer. I wanted to take this opportunity to write about being Non-Binary. I only came out about a month ago, but I’ve felt out of place in my gender for a long time.

Gender is a spectrum. While sex refers to the biological body (i.e. a person’s genitalia), gender refers largely to socially constructed ideas of ‘man’ and ‘woman’. Some people’s gender is different from their sex, and they can choose to alter their body through hormones and surgery to fit their gender if they wish. Both of these are ways of identifying as Transgender.

However, there are many ways to be Trans. There exists a category of people who are not confined to one particular gender, who fluctuate up and down the gender spectrum, never sticking to either end of it – or who scrap the binary altogether.

This is known as being Non-Binary, sometimes referred to as being Enby. The word Enby has been adopted to avoid confusion with the pre-existing acronym NB, meaning non-Black. This is what I have come to know, although definitions and ideas are always changing and this statement could be obsolete in a mere few years.

There are many types of Enby identifying people, and every label has a slightly different meaning. They can be used under the Enby umbrella, or in their own right. Of course, labels aren’t useful for some people, but others (like myself) prefer one to help them feel more grounded. It’s also possible to change labels throughout your life.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of some of the terms and what they mean:

Demi girl/boy/fluid - Being more attached to one gender, without subscribing to everything that the gender represents
Bigender / Multi-gender - Experiencing different genders at the same time (or changing from day to day)
Gender Neutral / Androgynous - Little to no preference on being male or female
Agender - Having no gender, being neither male or female, rejecting the binary system
Genderfluid - Moving freely along the spectrum
Gender Queer - To be somewhere on the spectrum (useful if you are not sure or want a broader label)

It’s true that these labels won’t come up in everyday conversation. But there are other ways in which we perpetuate gender everyday; automatically using she and he, Mr and Mrs and even brother and sister. Here are a few of the most common replacements for pronouns and titles (again, a non-exhaustive list):

they/them
ze/hir/hirs
xe/xem/xyrs
Mx
M
Ind
Mir
Mv

Something that I’ve encountered in my short time of being out is that, when I apply for jobs, they want to know my gender – and only about 3/10 of arts jobs specify ‘other’ or ‘Non-Binary’ as an option. The only way I have thought to combat this is to specify my pronouns in an e-mail, or in my cover letter.

Another difficulty for me comes when I say ‘I wear makeup’, for example. This is traditionally a feminine thing to do, but now men are embracing makeup more and more – so can it still be singularly defined as feminine? Who or what defines these categories?

I can’t give a certain answer and I can’t speak for all LGBTQ+ people, but it’s worth thinking about the stereotypes that we perpetuate in relation to Enby people.

Having been in relationships almost my whole teenage life (since I was 15), it was hard for me to find my own voice. I was always somebody’s partner. When I went to university, though, I started learning to notice and love myself. It was there that I began to question everything I thought I knew about who I was. I had lived for the approval and love of certain people. It was only when I realised that I could live for my own approval that I began to do the things I loved.

So I left university to pursue something different, I came out as Non-Binary and I tried to begin a new chapter – or maybe even open a new book.

So, now you have the basics. You meet someone whose gender is unknown to you. One of the first things I would do is introduce myself and offer up my pronouns. If the person then feels comfortable to do so, they may offer theirs. This is something I learnt from @jamesissmiling on Instagram, who is a wonderful resource for Non-Binary people and allies.

“Hello, nice to meet you, my name is Meg, I use the pronouns They/Them.”

It’s important not to push this further. It’s not always easy to slide your pronouns into an introduction, but it's crucial to normalise it (especially in a group setting).

If you do get pronouns wrong, don’t spend the next few minutes apologising and saying you feel bad; instead, thank them for correcting you and move on.

If someone you already know changes their pronouns, don’t make it about your struggle to get their pronouns right, or to stop saying ‘girlfriend’ and start saying ‘partner’ for example. (neutral terms)

Another important thing to remember is that many Trans and Enby people suffer from body dysmorphia. This means that they may find it difficult to talk about the gender that they were assigned at birth. Even if that person has taken surgical steps to transition, it can be difficult to approach. Some things you can do to help out the Non-Binary people you know is to avoid commenting on their body, face, hair unless they bring it up or the problem is directly related to you - for example, if you have a sexual relationship with that person and you are working to create a safe space for discussion.

It can be very difficult to deal with issues surrounding gender in relationships; a partner may have the kind of body that one left behind, or have the body that their partner wishes to have now. Be kind and listen without judgment or assumption. Generally try to stay away from toxic positivity, in which someone expresses their difficulties and you reply with “chin up, it’s going to be ok”. Not only does this dismiss their feelings by regarding them as invalid, but also does nothing toward productive action.

I learnt a lot of these from @whatswrongwithmollymagaret on instagram; she talks about communication and how to have difficult conversations on a variety of topics. When I wear a men’s shirt I can feel as though I’m not feminine enough and vice versa. It is very difficult to uncondition yourself, and it will take time. I am still trying to learn to forgive myself for judgment and for getting things wrong, because that is how we learn.

Something that I often employ with listening as well as understanding is to start your side with “Do you want advice, listening, or distraction?”. This might feel a little strange, but can be really helpful in understanding what you both want out of the conversation. If you are the one bringing up the problem, my best friend and I use the XYZ method “When X happened, it made me feel Y, in future can we try Z”. This moves away from blame and more toward solving the issue at hand.

There is a lot circulating about the use of ‘people’, and I would like to touch on why it’s important to continue using this language. Using 'people with vulvas' is a step towards a world that doesn't need to be restricted by labels (for those who find them constricting). It not only includes Non-binary folx but also some Trans men.

JK Rowling’s most recent post has caused upset in the Trans community. She made transphobic comments. She has a "fear" of predatory men "pretending to be Trans women", but in making this sweeping statement she disregards the rights and validity of actual Trans women. Not only this, she fails to see how Trans women are often far more at risk than Cis women, and how excluding them only does more harm.

This is not to say that Cis women don't face discrimination in their lives, but an increase in the number of unabashed TERF’s (Trans-exclusionary radical feminists) and white feminism is causing a new wave of discrimination which is insidious; it poses as liberation but in fact only serves to exclude and harm those it claims to uplift. Those in privileged positions need to help lift non-white women, Trans women and Disabled women before we can approach feminism as a community.

We are all learning and it’s fantastic, but we need to continue to educate ourselves about the issues that repeatedly present themselves throughout history: Trans rights, Black liberation, and so many more. Gender was a colonial idea that wiped out what native and indeginous cultures built – they considered Trans and fluid people to be spiritual and true leaders. Many cultures today embrace a third or dual gender, such as the Muxes of the Zapotec in Mexico; there is even a festival in their honour, ‘Vela De Muxes’.

Before the rise in Christianity in Samoa, people are recorded to have used ‘Fa’Afafine’ to describe those of the third gender. After reading Third Gender: A Short History, I began discovering the tip of the iceberg on ‘gender norms’. Pride month may be over, but I encourage you to steer your donations, and love toward the Black Lives Matter movement. There would be no ‘Pride’ without Black Trans Women. It was and is the duty of white people, including myself, to be an ally in the fight for people to finally gain the rights that they have fought too long for.

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